If you can't tell from my blog name - patience doesn't come easily to me. I'm that person who is constantly looking for ways to do things more efficiently... I enjoy walking fast simply because I can... I pride myself in making good food at record speed (but haven't actually timed myself like my father)... I have little tolerance for people who can't make decisions quickly or take forever to get ready to go somewhere... you get the picture.
Thus... this season of life in which I currently find myself is excruciatingly hard for me. WAITING...
It's not like I've never waited for anything before. We tried to get pregnant a few years before Lincoln. Then tried to adopt from Kazakhstan for a year, that was hard and I didn't enjoy any of it. Still, as we wait to meet our daughter for the first time, I can barely stand it.
A month ago tomorrow we received updated pictures... Pictures of her looking like the absolute cutest thing I've ever seen wearing the dress I bought her, holding the Bunnies By the Bay pink bunny we sent her. At that moment, she became, just like that Velveteen Rabbit, REAL.
I thought we would have a court date by now but we haven't heard anything. My bags are pretty much packed, lots of adorable pink and orange clothes hang in my closet waiting for her:) I feel like I check my phone at least every 20 minutes to see if I have an email telling me when we can leave and have already had two real life dreams where I've woken up swearing I got a call with a court date.
I think waiting to meet a child that is living somewhere without you is SO difficult. Its different than waiting to meet a baby growing inside you. First, you aren't 'missing' anything. As a mother you WILL be there for all of their firsts. Second, every second your baby stays inside your belly they are growing and getting stronger. I feel like every second our little girl stays away from us she's in 'danger'. I am thankful for her foster home environment so much and she looks chubby and well loved in the photos but you worry about malaria, nutrition, lots of other infections, etc. Third, every day she's forming bonds with someone other than me. I hope she's forming healthy attachment somewhere at least.
The closer we get to meeting her the more desperately I want to kiss her. I long to be the one to comfort her in the middle of the night, to feed her and dress her. Just like a mother loves the baby inside her belly she's yet to hold, so desperately I love this little child we've yet to meet.
It's hard to focus on much else these days. Frankly, I don't know if I'm cut out for this part. It requires every quality where I have weakness. Thankfully, He is strong. I love how much I love her already but it makes it really, really tough. I don't feel much differently about her than I would if Lincoln were living half way around the world. I keep trying to remind myself not to get attached but I am not a 'half in' kind of girl.
I struggle to know how much to 'push' our facilitators and how much to sit back and wait. This is our baby... I want to fight to bring her home ASAP but I know this is so much bigger than me and she will come home in His timing. Still, is there anything I can do to speed this along? :) that's my inner self arguing...
Chris is doing pretty well. As usual my steadfast husband is taking it in stride, but even Chris has said how impossible he knows the 4 to 6 month wait will be after we meet her.
So far, I'd have to say I underestimated how impossible it would be to wait for her after we were matched. I didn't find it hard to wait for a referral. This is tough.
There's my honest assessment of the waiting game from a TYPE A standpoint.
For now, I say a prayer, check my phone... and LIFE. GOES. ON.
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