I miss you

I think about you often, although we've never met.  I wonder where you are living, if you are hungry and happy and loved... I wonder if you are meant to be ours... and what our stories will be.  Mostly I just miss you. 

It's weird to go about our days, weeks and months preparing for you and thinking about you - not having any idea if or when you will come.  Sometimes I feel guilty like I should be doing more for you now - but all I can do is pray and trust that if you are my daughter you will find me and I will find you. 

Lincoln has been asking about you and often talks about things being as far away as AFRICA.  I think he very much wants to see the giant plane that will take mommy and daddy to meet you. 

Sometimes I wish I had not told the kids so soon about our hope to adopt.  How can they understand countries shut down, adoptions slow and just how unpredictable this process is. I have to remind myself this is like saying - lets try to have a baby - the rest is up to God.  It's not that we are adopting - we hope to adopt.  Ghana is undergoing changes and international adoption is unpredictable at best... So for anyone that wants an update... we are praying and hoping the Lord has a daughter in Ghana for us but I don't think I will know for sure until I kiss her goodnight and tuck her in across from her two crazy, excited brothers.  For the next year or so .. we wait - and pray.

The Gift of Adoption

You hear about it nearly everyday... at work, at church, your friends... the miracle of birth is everywhere.  Every second a baby is born its a miracle.  People get excited.  People cry.  Friends throw you a shower.  You go to a shower.  It's a big deal.  It's a moment in life a parent never forgets.  I certainly won't.

But adoption is different.  People don't know what to say... they haven't experienced it.  It's easy to forget about... no big belly... no 9 month timeline... The road of adoption is certainly a road less traveled by... but certainly for that one child... that child God has chosen for you and you for them... it makes all the difference. 

I remember the desperation I felt when I thought we'd never get pregnant.  It was painful and real.  But now, having experienced childbirth, I'm so excited to be adopting - and feel like I misunderstood a lot of things the first time around.  I wish someone had told me about the miracle of adoption.  The true miracle of God chosing a child for ME and me for them.  A child without my DNA, family history or bloodline.... but a child that shared my heart just the same.  I never really thought about the fact that all those people who got to experience childbirth, the never got to experience this. 

Adoption is a different journey and a different miracle.  But a miracle none the same.  I haven't experienced it yet, but I know that when I hold my baby girl for the first time I won't care that she didn't kick inside my belly or that her skin is black and mine is white.  I know I'll cry and hug her and kiss my husband like I did the first time my two boys were born and utter I love you through the tears and choke out the words 'Thank you Jesus' as I did when I kissed my two boys as they were placed in my arms.  At that very moment - she will be my little miracle, my daughter forever, created by God for me to love and I know I'll feel just as much like her mommy as I did with my boys. 

I had two c-sections.  I have no idea what it feels like to give birth the way most women do.  It doesn't bother me.  I bet many adoptive women feel the same about adoption.  I'm so excited to experience the miracle of adoption... and to share our story with others.  I was anxious to hold my little boys and it was amazing.  But I know without the shadow of a doubt the wait for my little girl - and the feelings when I hold her will be the same.  The three greatest moments of my life.  Equally amazing.  Uniquely special.

Am I good enough

It's a wierd feeling I've been having lately... I've been feeling alot of pressure to 'get it together' before our daughter comes.  It doesn't make sense... wherever she is...she's without a 'family', without a home, without American medicine and education and freedoms... yet, I feel a lot of pressure to make our family perfect before she gets here.  My husband agreed.  It's a different feeling when you talk about adopting a child vs. having one.  We are making a promise to her to always be better... We are taking her out of everything she's ever known, everything that is familiar and promising - we will love you and take care of you. 

I have to remind myself that it is the Lord who gives me strength, who allows me to love, to forgive, to be compassionate... and to stumble... The good in me is not from myself and the bad is not overcome through my own persistence. 

I may not be 'good enough all the time' but He is... and I know He will use our family to show this little girl a love and a God she may not have known before.  So I don't have to be perfect.  Thank God He Is.

Moving Right Along

We are on the wait list for a referral which is very exciting. I was also very excited to learn more about the specific adoption process in Ghana. When we travel to pick up our daughter all of the official court paperwork, visas, etc. will be ready for us upon arrival. Our trip will be spent getting to know one another and experiencing her culture and learning more about her. That's awesome.

Lincoln asks funny questions about 'baby girl'... wondering where she will sleep, where her car seat is and things like that. He will be a very sweet protective big brother.

It's so encouraging to read people's blogs and share their adoption stories. There are many inspiring, amazing people within the adoption community.

It is weird to think about the fact that our daughter could be already born across the globe and we have no idea who she is, can't watch her take her first steps, or rock her when she wakes at night... I have a hard time leaving my children with a sitter for 4 hours. I can't wait to meet her. Until then, sleep well my dear. We love you already.

Our Journey Continues

We are adopting... well at least attempting to again. Our blog is messy. Our adoption picture isn't of Ghana - its Kazakhstan. Our adoption timeline counter is way behind. Our web address doesn't make sense -we are adopting from Ghana - not Kazakhstan - and so on. But that's how life goes... particularly adoption. You start... you stop. You think you are going somewhere - and then you end up 4 years later in a different country.. and the farther down the journey you go the more you realize just how much God is in control - and how little you are.

I've been a little more hesitant to begin blogging this time around. We got so excited about our failed Kazak adoption 4 years ago and I know that in adoption - especially international - anything can happen. Today we mailed in our I600-A application with our completed homestudy. Things are moving right along with our adoption which should be a 2 or 3 year process... we are excited.

Stay tuned.